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2/3 Of a Triple Threat

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I'm Madeleine.
Like me, this blog is a massive, confusing jumble of things, most of them completely unrelated to each other.
I am currently recovering from anorexia nervosa.
I adore musicals, tea, elephants and scarves.
I despise sickled feet, the outdoors and the fact that there is not yet gluten-free ramen.

My mom keeps telling me to go put and be social and her intentions are good but she just doesn’t get that I have nobody to go be social with.

I’m just so sad because I realized nobody cares.

— 2 weeks ago with 1 note
#personal  #madeleines pity party 

So far this summer I’ve lost 15 pounds and realized that I STM have any friends.

— 2 weeks ago
#Please don't judge my pity party  #personal  #im just so lonely 
So I had a meeting with my mom and therapist.

If I’m not doing better in 3 weeks I’m going to treatment, and if I lose any weight in this three weeks I’m automatically going into treatment.

I don’t know. I know I need treatment but I don’t want it…?
I don’t know.

— 1 month ago
#ed  #eating disorder  #anorexia  #personal 

I’ve completely relapsed and I don’t know what to do.
I’m too fat to get treatment, not sick enough.
But I’ve been fainting and I can’t stand up without getting dizzy.
I don’t know where I am right now. I just feel alone.

— 2 months ago with 1 note
#ed  #eating disorder  #anorexia  #relapse  #personal 
Some support would be appreciated.

Stuck with my dad for the long weekend.
There’s a lot if baggage here but basically it comes down to abuse, me feeling guilty for it and just trying to get his approval.
I’ve been having a bad time with my depression anxiety, it’s a really stressful time in school, I’m relapsing into my eating disorder and I’m stuck in a house with a man who makes me feel unwelcome and unwanted. I feel guilty that my dad is mad at me.
But mostly, I just feel very, very alone.

— 2 months ago with 2 notes
#personal 

I can’t stand up without getting dizzy and blacking out anymore. I’m lightheaded a lot. Fuck, I passed out in class on Tuesday. I only gave up on recovery a week ago why is this happening?

— 2 months ago
#relapse  #personal  #I need a hug  #idk  #cw: ed  #eating disorder  #anorexia 

I just had to tell my coach that I’m dropping from the tournament today.

Now, with my social anxiety and things, I find it hard to deliver good news to people; if I was telling you that you won the lottery, I probably wouldn’t be able to make eye contact. I live in constant fear of people being angry or unhappy with me, even if I haven’t done anything wrong, I still worry that my mom and boyfriend actually hate me.  

I know that my registration was a result of a miscommunication. 

I know that I have to be at rehearsal today. 

I know that I am sick today and have been sick for the last week and a half. 

I know that the tournament was rescheduled because of snow, and everyone is still on the wrong day mentally because of the chaos. 

But I still feel so bad. I hate having to tell people no. I pride myself on being able to do everything and do it well, but this I know I could’t do. I was the only person in my event registered and now my school has nobody to even try for states in LD. I feel like my coach thinks I’m flaky and unreliable and won’t write me a recomendation or think highly of me anymore. 

Basically, I’m freaking out. I walked in to talk to him, and I almost threw up. I feel like I might have a panic attack, but I don’t think I actually will. But what kind of stupid person loses track of what day it is and has to pull from an event the day of because they were confused. 

Me. 

I just feel so bad physically and mentally right now.

— 5 months ago with 1 note
#anxiety  #social anxiety  #panick attack cw  #LD  #lincoln douglas  #debate  #db8  #4n6  #personal 

I just hate how inadequate I feel all of the time.
How my sister is disappointed that I want yo join her, my mom and her friend on a trip and makes me swear”not to be annoying” because apparently my presence is enough to scare her friends away.

I know I never gave friends over. I know I can’t handle parties and struggle with small talk. I don’t need to be reminded and told that I’m just not trying hard enough, or that my being alone is my fault because I try to be different.

I hate that I have to choose between constant fear, exhaustion and anxiety and loneliness.

I just want to cut again. That’s all I want.

— 7 months ago with 2 notes
#struggling  #personal  #social anxiety  #anxiety  #aspie 
I think I’ve just accepted my disorder.

I’ll spend the rest of my life 8-10 pounds underweight. Doctors will always tell me to gain a little, but I won’t be dangerously thin. Those few pounds don’t really matter. I’ll always obsess over food but I’ll eat. On bad days I’ll exercise too much but that’s ok. I’ll eat, but never quite enough, and most of my calories will be plants.
This is as good as I can do.
I’ve already fought. I can’t see a reason to fight more. It’s already hard enough not to lose.

Maybe someday, I’ll get worse. I don’t think I’d mind, but then I’d get help. Maybe I’d beat it. But right now, I have to get worse to get better.

— 7 months ago with 1 note
#personal  #eating disorder  #ed  #ed recovery 
I’m crying over my weight.

I feel like every ounce I’ve gained is reflected tenfold in my appearance. My ribs are disappearing and I am turning into a hippo. I hate it.
I’m going to the doctor on Friday and I’m dreading it. I do not want this disgusting weight recorded in my medical records. Ever. I need to lose.
I purged every meal today.
If it wasn’t for the fact that somebody sees me naked on a regular basis I’d be cutting right now.
I can’t do it.

— 11 months ago
#eating disorder  #anorexia  #anorexia nervosa  #anorexic  #relapse  #purge  #tw: eating disorder  #tw: self harm  #self harm  #cutting  #self loathing  #suicidal  #weight gain  #triggers  #personal