Being a fainter
I am a fainter.
It sucks. Outside of the humiliation factor, it’s annoying that my body’s automatic response is to play dead. It’s scary, it’s confusing and yeah. I also hate the fact that people who just don’t feel like doing anything use “feeling faint” as their excuse to sit out. As a result, I feel the need to push myself until I pass out because I don’t want people to think I’m winey and lazy. Once you do a Victorian lady impression in front of people it’s hard for them to stop seeing you splayed on the band room floor. I don’t like being thought of as a fainter or weak because I’m not!!
I’m sorry about all of the personal/whiney/rants posts I’ve had lately. I know this is supposed to be a fun blog about broadway and cats, but I have a lot going on right now. This is why:
Basically, my little sister has been really sick for almost 4 years, and is progressively getting worse. In these 4 years we have been to every doctor, therapist, chiropractor, vudu person, but nobody has been able to diagnose or effectively treat her. I’m not going into details here because its her life and she has a right to privacy.
She feels sick most days and its a good week if she goes to school 3 days and makes it through the day. It sucks. I can’t imagine what she is going through, but it hurts me to see her suffering and missing out on her life because she is sick.
My mom is constantly stressed, having to rearrange work to take my sister an hour away to Children’s Hospital for appointments. Right now, my sister can’t keep down food or control her Bowles. She is losing a lot of weight because of that so she cant fight off infection as well.We are putting her on tube feeds soon. I would really appreciate it if you would keep my family in your thoughts. And I’m sorry if I lost less frequently or more about my life, but that is where I am right now. Not to be rude, but if you don’t like this please feel free to just unfollow.
I love you guys!
I feel like straight up shit.
I’m exhausted, I’m getting sick, and I couldn’t sleep last night because my back hurt do badly.
And I’m stressed beyond belief. I need a hug.
It’s 9.30 and irs already been one of those days…
I’ve been really stressed out about this cumulative exam I have in ap euro, it covers over 600 pages of material covering form the renaissance to the start of ww2. I was studying until about 2.30 last night and just as I was going to bed, the boyfriend texted me saying he was freaking out and couldn’t sleep. I felt bad so I talked to him until he passed out, then I couldn’t sleep. Now I’m fucking exhausted. I was planning on studying during free period but tight before, he ran up to me, looking close to years and asked me to please go print something for him. I did.
I know that I’m making the choices but right now we’re both so stressed out I’m scared we are just going to blow up. All I want right now is him to hold me but at the same time I want to kill him.
Oh, and in chem, somebody knocked over my coffee. All over my stuff.
FML.
I can’t seem to stay warm anymore. I can’t think unless my stomach is empty or I’m working out. Everything is secondary until I get food out of me.
I’m dizzy, I shake and black out when I stand up.
I’m losing weight. People are noticing.
And I don’t know what to do. I don’t look sick. Just thinner. But still huge.
Welcome back Ana, my old friend.
I’m in love.
It’s odd. I feel like I’m too young to feel this way. We are in high school, and a lot will change in the next few years. I’ve always laughed at those girls who take high school relationships seriously, but, I now see why they feel that way.
He is amazing. Not perfect, but perfect for me. He makes me feel safe and loved in ways that nobody ever had. He is content to just lay and watch movies with me when I’m exhausted, but when we go out and go things it’s just as amazing. We have a lot of the same interests, and our neurosis compliment each other.
When I’m not with him, I miss him. I look forward to seeing him everyday, even if its just for a few minutes. We don’t spend every waking moment together, because we are so busy. He is a gentleman and I love that, he takes care of me, but we make decisions together.
I think our communication is amazing. Both of us tend to be blunt: we just state things directly. I like that.
I love him. He loves me. I don’t know how long this will last, but I hope or lasts.
My story.
Hey! It Luke mean a lot to ,e if you guys would read this. It’s a draft of a piece I’m working on.
I wasn’t until recently, when sharing stories with friends that I realized that I had a weird childhood. I guess your early years seem normal to you, because at the time that is all you had ever known.
When I was young, we moved a lot. Most of my earlier memories are from when we lived in California. Our house was pretty small, I shared a room and bed with my sister. I think that is why we are still so close. Even when we moved to Pennsylvania, where we are now and had a house about twice the size of the one in California, we shared a room (though not a bed as much) until I was about 13.
The situation with my parents has always been odd. In many ways, I feel that I was, for the most part, raised by a single mother, because although my parents are still married, my dad wasn’t around much. My parents do not believe in divorce, though they don’t want to be married anymore, they seem to think that weeks of not talking and screaming fights are healthier for our family than separation. This honestly doesn’t bother me, i guess I’m just used to the idea of parents not loving each other. As I’ve mentioned, my dad was abusive, and though he has been acting a lot better towards me lately, he has never acknowledged or apologized for what he did. Though I feel guilty about it sometimes, I’ve realized that I don’t need him in my life. I do believe that he loves us, but I can’t find it in myself to forgive him for the things he did to me and the way they effect me to this day. I guess I’ll always want a close father, but between my mom, sister and all of my friends I think I have all of the allies I need.
I’ve always been different. I remember in second grade being absolutely obsessed with presidential assassinations. That was literally all I talked about. Looking back on it, that probably explains why I didn’t have many friends. I was never openly bullied until middle school, in my younger years I was just the weird kid that people were nice to but didn’t try to befriend. This is why I began reading. I read a lot (I still do). One of the things I do to this day is I read the same few books over and over again. I spend a lot of my time reading, but I’ve read relatively few books because I find something comforting in knowing what will happen next. Perhaps it’s a byproduct of all of the moving and change I experienced in my childhood, but I love order, routine and predictability. I need to know what is happening when, I get awful anxiety if routines are disrupted or if something I was expecting changes. I am always early places, and find it really disruptive to my life to be somewhere later than I planned to arrive. I also cannot stand it when other people are late. With all of these rigid traits, I find it interesting that I discovered performing arts to be my passion. Performing is not safe or predictable, when you are in front of that audience, whatever happens, happens no there is nothing you can do about. In a lot of ways, I have been actin my entire life. I have always been really shy, and nervous around people, especially groups. To get thought this as a kid, I acted as this larger than life character, I was loud and bossy so people wouldn’t notice that I was actually sacred shitless.
I have experienced much sadness, anxiety and even more joy in my life. Though there are events I hope to ever relive, I am glad that I did live through them once, and survive. We are the sum of all of all of our parts,our pasts, our futures, our triumphs and our flaws. Without these imperfect elements, none of us would be who we are, we would be objects with nothing to overcome and nothing to learn from in this bizarre journey we call life.
Stressed out as hell.
Boyfriend has mono. We were pretty sure, but the test came back positive today. So there’s that.
I’ve been sick, and super busy with school and rehearsal. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this before it gets too overwhelming.
I just need a hug.
