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2/3 Of a Triple Threat

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I'm Madeleine.
Like me, this blog is a massive, confusing jumble of things, most of them completely unrelated to each other.
I am currently recovering from anorexia nervosa.
I adore musicals, tea, elephants and scarves.
I despise sickled feet, the outdoors and the fact that there is not yet gluten-free ramen.

I just had to tell my coach that I’m dropping from the tournament today.

Now, with my social anxiety and things, I find it hard to deliver good news to people; if I was telling you that you won the lottery, I probably wouldn’t be able to make eye contact. I live in constant fear of people being angry or unhappy with me, even if I haven’t done anything wrong, I still worry that my mom and boyfriend actually hate me.  

I know that my registration was a result of a miscommunication. 

I know that I have to be at rehearsal today. 

I know that I am sick today and have been sick for the last week and a half. 

I know that the tournament was rescheduled because of snow, and everyone is still on the wrong day mentally because of the chaos. 

But I still feel so bad. I hate having to tell people no. I pride myself on being able to do everything and do it well, but this I know I could’t do. I was the only person in my event registered and now my school has nobody to even try for states in LD. I feel like my coach thinks I’m flaky and unreliable and won’t write me a recomendation or think highly of me anymore. 

Basically, I’m freaking out. I walked in to talk to him, and I almost threw up. I feel like I might have a panic attack, but I don’t think I actually will. But what kind of stupid person loses track of what day it is and has to pull from an event the day of because they were confused. 

Me. 

I just feel so bad physically and mentally right now.

— 1 month ago with 1 note
#anxiety  #social anxiety  #panick attack cw  #LD  #lincoln douglas  #debate  #db8  #4n6  #personal 

I just hate how inadequate I feel all of the time.
How my sister is disappointed that I want yo join her, my mom and her friend on a trip and makes me swear”not to be annoying” because apparently my presence is enough to scare her friends away.

I know I never gave friends over. I know I can’t handle parties and struggle with small talk. I don’t need to be reminded and told that I’m just not trying hard enough, or that my being alone is my fault because I try to be different.

I hate that I have to choose between constant fear, exhaustion and anxiety and loneliness.

I just want to cut again. That’s all I want.

— 3 months ago with 2 notes
#struggling  #personal  #social anxiety  #anxiety  #aspie 
I think I’ve just accepted my disorder.

I’ll spend the rest of my life 8-10 pounds underweight. Doctors will always tell me to gain a little, but I won’t be dangerously thin. Those few pounds don’t really matter. I’ll always obsess over food but I’ll eat. On bad days I’ll exercise too much but that’s ok. I’ll eat, but never quite enough, and most of my calories will be plants.
This is as good as I can do.
I’ve already fought. I can’t see a reason to fight more. It’s already hard enough not to lose.

Maybe someday, I’ll get worse. I don’t think I’d mind, but then I’d get help. Maybe I’d beat it. But right now, I have to get worse to get better.

— 4 months ago with 1 note
#personal  #eating disorder  #ed  #ed recovery 
I’m crying over my weight.

I feel like every ounce I’ve gained is reflected tenfold in my appearance. My ribs are disappearing and I am turning into a hippo. I hate it.
I’m going to the doctor on Friday and I’m dreading it. I do not want this disgusting weight recorded in my medical records. Ever. I need to lose.
I purged every meal today.
If it wasn’t for the fact that somebody sees me naked on a regular basis I’d be cutting right now.
I can’t do it.

— 7 months ago
#eating disorder  #anorexia  #anorexia nervosa  #anorexic  #relapse  #purge  #tw: eating disorder  #tw: self harm  #self harm  #cutting  #self loathing  #suicidal  #weight gain  #triggers  #personal 
I just feel so lonely all of the time.

Like everyone has all of these awesome friends.
And I feel like I annoy everyone.
I just hate myself.

— 9 months ago
#personal  #rant  #alone  #lonely  #sad  #social anxiety  #friends  #relationships 
My boyfriend: a disgustingly gushy post about LOVE.

I just felt like posting this.
We met when I was in 3rd grade and he was in 4th, because our little sisters were (are) friends, and we are neighbors. When we were little, my sister used to beat the shit out of him, because he was old enough to know not to hit girls (especially younger ones). So yeah. We basically ignored each other until high school.
How to describe him… Well… Tall. His entire family is freakishly tall. Like his mom, sister and grandmother are all taller than me, and IM NOT SHORT! I’m currently housesitting for them, and I find myself climbing on counters to reach things. Also, I’m too short for their cat toys. So yeah. He’s about 6’4” and one of the shorter guys in his family.
He is also, incredibly Polish. Like, 2nd generation American born, grandparents and parents still speak Polish. He family look like what Hitler imagined for this world, a whole bunch of tall, strong blondes. Despite being Eastern European, he still tans.
His hair is super soft. I recently realized that he is blonde (I’ve known that I’ve just never thought about it), so now I call him blondie. He is surprisingly strong and muscular for being as lean as he is.
And, he makes me so incredibly happy. We watch Doctor Who together every week, we have epic Harry Potter wand, Light Saber and Sonic Screw Driver battles. For our anniversary we had Hobbit Day, meaning we ate good food and watched all of the LOTR movies. He also shares my love for musicals, especially Les Mis and Phantom. He was in the pit when I did Les Mis. We’re both in marching band, which is where we first got together.
He is really into science though, which is not my thing. Sometimes I feel dumb because he’s going to school for biochemistry/premed, and I’m going for musical theatre, and ion understand all of his science stuff. I have to remind myself that just because he knows a lot about an area I struggle in doesn’t make me “too stupid” to be with him. Even though I’m not pursuing an academic major, contrary to some beliefs: I’m not stupid. I’m gifted and my IQ is over 145 (though its not entirely accurate since IQ tests generally underestimate the scores of people with ADHD), and I take AP classes and get 5s. I do struggle with math a lot. I think I sometimes I feel like I bore him because his ex was really into science too, and I look like the stupid girl with big boobs.
Our relationship I strangely egalitarian, I can’t really say who is dominant because we tend to talk things out, and feel strongly about different things. We are both very direct and terrible with subtlety, so we openly discuss things, and shake hands when an issue is resolved (which is why my friends call us Sheldon and Amy Farrah Fowler). I think because we are both children of divorce/troubled marriages, we are scared of conflict and would rather just work it out. And, since both of us were raised by single mothers for a good part of our lives, and are the oldest sibling, we are very used to sacrificing, or just being go with the flow.
Though its great, our relationship is far from perfect. I’m too insecure and worry about whether he really loves me, which is stupid. I’m also cynical, because I’ve studied a lot of child psychology (I was a dorky kid) I know that our brains aren’t fully developed yet. I have to stop and remind myself that even though we probably won’t be together forever, my feeling are still legitimate, if temporary. He is disorganized, and I feel like a secretary reminding him of things, and I worry it comes off as nagging.
Regardless, I’m in love with a super cool, sexy boy, and I wanted to share.

— 9 months ago with 2 notes
#personal  #boyfriend  #girlfriend  #love  #couple  #relationship  #dating  #i ont know why i wrote this  #dynamics  #family 
Why is it so can complicated? I need help.

Sorry for all of the personal posts lately.
My dad was abusive when I was younger. After a lot of years of hating and blaming myself, I was finally able to accept that we will never have a real relationship, and that I am not obligated to forgive him for anything. I made myself miserable trying to win hip approval, and it was so freeing to finally accept that his validation was the only thing worth living for.
As I’ve gotten older, he has changed. He is really trying to be my father, and take an interest in what I do and who I am.
He makes me feel guilty for trusting my mom more than him, and not wanting to be hugged by him and such.
I feel terrible. I now feel like I’m the abuser because I’m denying him when he is trying so hard.
This is bringing up a lot of the issues I struggled with when I was younger: that the abuse was my fault, and that I made my dad mean.
I don’t know what to do.

— 9 months ago with 1 note
#relationships  #parents  #personal  #abuse  #abusive parent  #help  #advice  #guilt  #confusion  #anger  #self harm 
I just feel so disgusting.

I hate my body so much. I feel like I’m blowing up, I’m losing control. I’m fucking huge and I can’t stand it.
I need to lose weight. A lot.
I don’t give a fuck what anyone says anymore. It’s my body, and I want it to be perfect.
I wish I could just take a knife and cut off all of my fat. I don’t want to eat, I want to work out and lose weight and be beautiful. Not the disgusting cow that I am right now.
I feel bad worrying my mom when she has other stuff, but they need to realize that I AM FUCKING FINE.
I am making myself happy by losing.

— 9 months ago with 2 notes
#anorexia  #tw: eating disorder  #eating disorder  #relapse  #trigger  #ed  #anorexia nervosa  #personal  #fat  #upset  #tw: self harm 
Thin privilege bullshit.

You know what it’s hard to find if you’re a skinny or otherwise small woman?
Underwear.
Yeah, you know how you can go buy an 8 pack of Hanes at Target for a few bucks?
Not for me. They do not make cheap, basic underwear that fit small people. I am skinny and built like a pole (no ass to speak of), but by no measure am I the smallest person I know, and I can’t buy underwear that isn’t saggy or big unless I go to an obnoxiously expensive teenaged girl store like Aerie or Victoria’s Secret.
Sorry, but not all of us can afford to pay 6.25 for ONE fucking pair of underwear that fits.
I want to be able to buy cheap panties to wear when I’m on my period, or lazy, or just want to go somewhere other than the mall to get some fucking underwear.

— 9 months ago with 2 notes
#thin privelage  #personal  #rant  #skinny  #thin  #skinny girl problems  #underwear  #bullshit 
Father’s Day is really hard for me.

My father was abusive when I was younger, and, after years of blaming myself for the abuse, I have finally begun to accept that no matter how terrible of a child I was, it is not my fault that he chose to hurt me.
Regardless, he has been trying to be a decent father. I still feel a lot of guilt about not wanting a relationship with him since my sister and mom seem to have totally forgiven him, and it seems like he has changed. I just can’t forgive him. And I feel terrible.
So yeah. Today is hard.

— 10 months ago with 2 notes
#fathers day  #personal  #abuse  #family drama