Sorry for all of the personal posts lately.
My dad was abusive when I was younger. After a lot of years of hating and blaming myself, I was finally able to accept that we will never have a real relationship, and that I am not obligated to forgive him for anything. I made myself miserable trying to win hip approval, and it was so freeing to finally accept that his validation was the only thing worth living for.
As I’ve gotten older, he has changed. He is really trying to be my father, and take an interest in what I do and who I am.
He makes me feel guilty for trusting my mom more than him, and not wanting to be hugged by him and such.
I feel terrible. I now feel like I’m the abuser because I’m denying him when he is trying so hard.
This is bringing up a lot of the issues I struggled with when I was younger: that the abuse was my fault, and that I made my dad mean.
I don’t know what to do.
I have the district choir festival this weekend, starting on Thursday with auditions for regional choir.
I have no fucking voice. I am so congested, and my throat is so sore I sound like a nasally man!!
For the first time Ina very long time, I am at something close to a healthy weight and I can’t take it. I just feel so fat and huge all of the time. I can feel myself beginning to fall back down the hole of constant body checking and my mood being dictated by how little I ate, but I don’t care.
I’ve been looking at thinspo, and wishing I could look like that again. Although I do not like my doody right now, I also do not want to throw out the almost 2 years of hard fought recovery it took to get me here.
I’ve been restricting again and using my fitness pal. I just hate my body.
I’m thin and a generally petite frame (5’8” and a little under 120 pounds) but I’m a full B or a small C cup bra, but in teenager brands I can be up to a D. I can never find my band size!! I need a 32 band, but a 30 is ideal for me.
I lost my voice. Right in time for Sunday matinee, which I am swinging for so even more singing dancing.
Anyway, my throat kills, no semblance of and pretty sound is coming out: do you have any suggestions beyond throat coat?